March 17, 2012

  • Two rabbits are in a garden and one of the rabbits says, "Thith carrot tathes pithy."

    The other rabbit says, "Yes, I know, I just pithed on it."

  • Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"

    To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

  • There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.

    Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.

    "Whew!" he sighed.

    As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"

    Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.

    He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!

    "Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.

    He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.

    "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

    "Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

  • A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

  • There‚Äôs a sweet old couple happily living life. One day the wife went in for a medical exam and when she came home she reported to her husband, "The doctor says I have the heart of a 50-year-old, lungs of a 40-year-old, and the blood pressure of a 25-year-old."

    The huband replies, "Oh really? And what did he say about your 70-year-old ass?"

    She replied, "He never mentioned you."

  • As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

    As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man, I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do.

    The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

    I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

    As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before...and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for more'n 20 years."

  • Justice Brewer was asked by a man, "Will you please tell me, sir, what is the penalty for bigamy?"

    Justice Brewer smiled and answered, "Two mothers-in-law."

  • A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

    • a half-gallon of 2% milk
    • a carton of eggs
    • a quart of orange juice
    • a head of romaine lettuce
    • a 2 lb. can of coffee
    • a 1 lb. package of bacon

    As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

    The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

    The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly"

  • Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

    Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."

  • "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

    "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

March 15, 2012

  • A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

    And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

    And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

    And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."

  • A study conducted at UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle or past menopause. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to me more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

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